I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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