Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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