This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
