i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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