naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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