He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
