So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
