so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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