he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
