There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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