As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
