i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
