I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
