Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
