still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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