I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
