Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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