im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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