i don't like sucking hair
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
