You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
