I accidentally burped into my bong.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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