I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
