Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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