i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Holy shit dude........stairs
My feet surprised me
Randomize
