if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
