Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
