The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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