Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
