he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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