her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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