i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
