Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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