wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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