just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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