I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My breasts were aching with rage.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
