and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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