The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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