I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
