woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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