PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
