apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
