And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
