eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
