That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
