Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
