you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
