I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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