Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
