The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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