Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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