sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
