My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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