why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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