Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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