Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
